tired Title: The Girl who would be Queen.
Author: Starbuck1980 (Livejournal and Tumblr)
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
Pairing: Swan Queen
Rating: NC17 for trigger warnings and language (and eventual sexy times)
Summary: Set after Stable Boy S01E18. Eventual spoilers for this episode but none at present.
Emma is sent a book, similar to Henry’s containing details of the Evil Queen’s past. Mixed FTL with SB. Dark & twisty.
Trigger Warnings: Child abuse – Physical and emotional, emotional neglect. Cutting/suicidal tendencies, flashbacks, nightmares, Self-loathing. Please consider before you read this if you have been/still are affected by any of these. I write from experience so these scenes are fairly detailed and could be difficult to read. I do not in any way condone cutting but having lived with this tendency for a long time, I understand it. I am also in no way saying that if you are affected by abuse, you should keep quiet. In fact if you or someone you know if affect by any of these topics, please consider seeking help. There is someone out there who can and will help you.
Disclaimer: I own nothing; if I did OUaT would be taking a very different path with this pairing. Chapter titles are taken from various songs by Evanescence; part fifteen is taken from Snow White Queen. All rights belong to Disney/ABC and Amy Lee/Evanescence.
A/N: Apologies for killing you all with the last chapter! Actually I’m not that sorry, lol but hopefully this chapter won’t be too much of a let-down. Not long now before what you’ve all been waiting for actually happens. I appreciate ALL your wonderful comments and thank you for sticking with me!
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
Part Fifteen – I'm losing my mind and you just stand there and stare as my world divides.
‘What the hell?’ Emma exclaimed as she stared down at her body in the full length mirror. Regina was silent as she stared at the blonde. ‘How could this have happen?’ Emma asked, wincing slightly as she poked one of the burns on her hip. ‘It was just a dream, granted a very vivid dream but it was that, a dream,’ Emma said incredulously, she turned around to face Regina who was still in bed, pushed up on her elbows.
Emma had taken her tank top off and she stalked across to the bed in just her bra and shorts as Regina admired her toned flat stomach. Her features still held that mix of fear and comprehension Emma had seen when she had awoken.
‘Why are you looking at me like that Regina? You’ve not said a word since I woke up and you’re still staring at me, like… I've got two heads or something!’ Emma exclaimed.
Regina got up on her knees, she was almost the same height as the blonde and she looked down at Emma’s toned stomach, a finger tracing the path of destruction that led to her hip. Regina bit her lip before looking into Emma’s eyes.
‘I saw her do it,’ she said quietly ‘the Queen, I saw her. I dreamt you and I went hiking and when we got to the top of a hill, we looked down on Storybrook. I felt…’ Regina paused, her eyes filling with tears at the emotions she didn’t dare try to explain.
‘Loved?’ Emma quantified, half smiling down as Regina looked away.
‘Yes but it was more than that, it was stronger, more profound…’ Regina hesitantly explained, cautiously looking at Emma.
Emma nodded, remembering the feeling with crystal clarity.
‘I don’t understand, though,’ Emma argued, more to herself and her wandering thoughts. Regina wore the same blue silk nightie from Emma’s dream and Emma couldn’t help wondering how she knew Regina owned such a garment. How many of these dreams had they shared? She had wounds, wounds that had come from the Evil Queen in Henry’s book? What if Regina had done it? But how? She’d remember or at least have woken up. That pain had been all too real and she was damn sure she hadn’t been drugged.
‘You don’t think I had anything to do with this, do you?’ Regina asked defensively, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.
‘What? Of course not! Why would you say that?' Emma asked looking down into dark frightened eyes.
'Because, you have to admit this is a little far-fetched,' Regina admitted, raising her eye brows.
Emma let out a sigh and sat down next to Regina, her elbows on her knees and her hands in her hair. Her mind was racing in several directions and everything she wanted to ignore was pointing to that damn book and Henry's theory about the curse.
Regina sat back quietly, staring at the blonde, her own thoughts spinning a mile a minute. What did this mean? Emma had seen the Evil Queen, she had seen who Regina was and yet she was still here. Regina was torn between confessing all and pushing Emma out the door and telling her to never come back. Then the profoundness of the feelings from the dream began to wash over her, and the thought that some dream version of her and Emma were so deeply in love made her sick to her stomach with hope. In the dream Emma had felt for her too but did she still feel the pale shadow of that emotion which Regina felt between them now? Regina could not risk it; she wouldn’t begin to hope that anyone could love her after all she had done. Redemption had never been an option. Or was it? Tears rose to her eyes as she dared to hope. She swallowed them as Emma spoke.
'A lot of things don't make much sense right now and a lot of things shouldn't be possible and yet they seem very real right now,' Emma said turning and taking Regina's hands in her own, fear welling up inside her.
She had to do this, she had to give Regina this chance to come clean and if that happened? She would just have to deal with it. She understood the profoundness of that dream and she had seen Regina fight her inner demons for someone she truly loved, so why was she so afraid? All of this had happened so fast. Her feelings for Regina had never been quantified, they had played the push and pull game for so long and now the word love was floating around but they had both felt it, felt the pull, felt the comfort of being loved like that so why could neither of them really admit to it?
'Come downstairs with me, I need to show you something' Emma said slowly gathering strength, for what she was unsure. Maybe she was afraid of being lied to, Regina saying she was crazy. She sure felt crazy right now.
***
They settled on the couch, not speaking as Regina got a fire going. It was not quite dawn and a chill had fallen over the house. Emma clutched her jacket across her knees as she fingered the spine of the book. The more she thought about this the more she was unsure that this was the right thing to do. She was about to blow this wide open and Regina's trust was tenable at best; throwing this into the mix could backfire spectacularly. Regina sat down next to her, her hands in her lap as she fumbled with the tassels on a blanket she had thrown over the two of them. Emma reached out for her hand, squeezing slightly as Regina glanced up, a pained expression on her face.
'Regina...' she started and then stopped, she took a deep breath 'I need to come clean about how I knew about your parents,' Emma admitted, purposely keeping the word mother out of the sentence.
Regina stared for a moment, fear flashing in her dark eyes. She visibly swallowed while bracing herself for Emma's truth. What if she lost everything now? But how could she lose something she never really had? The contradiction was making her head spin. Emma squeezed her hand before letting go and reaching into her jacket. She pulled the book out of her jacket and handed it to Regina.
'This was sent to me earlier this week,' she said, pausing as Regina took it, a frown across her brow.
Regina stared at the title, running her fingers across the lettering, a chill of dread seeping into her bones.
'It's linked to Henry's book...' Emma said softly and Regina's eyes snapped to attention, her fear clearly visible.
Regina turned to the first page of text, staring down at the words she herself had said recently 'Evil is not born, it is made' and she choked back a sob.
'The main character has the same name as you, Regina. Not just first name but surname too and your...' Emma took a deep breath, 'mother's name,' she said carefully, ‘is also the same as the character in the book.’
Regina gaped down at the book in her lap. How did this book exist? She turned a few pages over, fear grasping at her heart as the words on the page jumped out at her, her worst memories, her worst experiences and Emma had read these words. The colour drained from her face. She gathered her defences; her mask had to be perfectly intact.
'Why are you showing this to me?' Regina asked her pale face as she stared back at Emma. Her features were perfectly still, not showing a single emotion and Emma would've been convinced but for her dark eyes that were swimming with fear.
'Because I'm freaking out here!’ Emma exclaimed, her eyes betraying the depth of her panic, ‘That dream, that dream was so real Regina and you said you saw the same things; you saw what the Queen did to me. I need you to be honest with me, explain to me how this could happen? How this is even possible?' Emma implored.
Regina sat very still, her eyes focused on the writing in her lap as she numbed herself to the fear contained within.
'Who sent this to you?' she said finally, suspicion clouding her eyes changing the subject.
Emma frowned, becoming increasingly exasperated.
'I don't know. It was stolen from Gold's shop. Whoever stole it must have sent it to me,' Emma said offhandedly, wishing Regina would just answer her.
'Gold?' Regina hissed 'I knew he had something to do with this. You told me you hadn't spoken to him,' she bit back.
'No, I said he wasn't the one who told me about your mother and he didn’t; I only asked him what he knew about the book. I never mentioned you, at all,' Emma clarified, giving up on getting an immediate explanation.
'And that was it?' Regina asked sceptically, raising an eye brow.
'He asked me if I had read any and I told him I hadn't...' Emma began.
'Have you?' Regina asked her tone thoroughly mayoral but for a slight tone of desperation.
Emma eyed the Mayor for a moment, reaching to take her hand but Regina stood up suddenly, clutching the book beneath her folded arms.
'Yes, of course. This is why I had suspicions about your mother,' Emma explained, before shaking her head, ‘I don’t know what I thought, I just knew; everything made more sense after I started reading that book,’ Emma confessed, looking up at Regina.
Regina let out a sardonic laugh.
'You know nothing!’ The brunette hissed again, she strode over to the fire and threw the book into the flames.
***
“‘Why does she do it?’ Katherine asked as she traced the scars on Regina’s upper arm.
The day was hot and they had gone riding in the forest with Cora’s permission. For some reason she trusted Katherine as if the girl worked some magic charm over the stern woman.
They were sat by a lake on a grassy verge, allowing the horses to rest and drink beside the lake. Regina sat quietly, enjoying the feeling of Katherine pushing her sleeve up and tracing her fingers up her arm and across her exposed shoulder.
‘I don’t know,’ Regina shrugged her voice small and hushed. ‘She says I don’t deserve to be her daughter. That I need to be better…’ Her voice trailed off, swallowing down the lump that had begun to form. She didn’t want to be talking about this, the last time she had, her mother had killed Elizabeth.
‘You know she’s wrong, don’t you?’ Katherine asked as she planted a soft kiss against the scar on Regina’s shoulder. Regina’s stomach flipped over, butterflies danced in the pit of her stomach and tingled up her spine. She shrugged again, not really knowing what to say.
‘Let’s not talk about her,’ Regina said finally, ‘I don’t want to think of her when I am here with you,’ she said, her eyes smiling as she looked at Katherine.
Katherine looked up at her, her eyes soft and glossy and she smiled broadly.
‘Let’s go swimming!’ She announced, jumping up and starting to strip down to her small clothes.
‘What? But we don’t have anything to wear!’ Regina exclaimed. If her mother caught her she would be punished for sure.
‘Your small clothes will be just fine,’ Katherine assured her, ‘I won’t tell, you know that,’ Katherine added as she watched a frown appear on Regina’s face. ‘Come on!’ she encouraged.
Regina watched as she shimmied out of her riding britches, her mouth falling open as the girl began to run toward the shore line. She stood up as Katherine plunged into the water and emerged with a smile on her face. Regina began to unbutton her shirt, shrugging it off her shoulders. She watched mesmerised as Katherine floated on the surface of the water, her white small clothes translucent beneath the surface exposing the pink bud of her nipple.
‘What took you so long?’ Katherine asked, her voice light with laughter as Regina finally approached, stripped down to her shift and knickers.
Regina shrugged shyly as Katherine took her hand, leading her the rest of the way into the water. A gasp escaped Regina’s her lips as the cool water hit her waist and then her chest.
‘She won’t find out,’ Katherine said softly as she took Regina’s other hand in her own, lacing their fingers together. Regina smiled then, feeling secure as Katherine looked her in the eye and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, playing casually with the tip before easing her hand down Regina’s neck to her shoulder. Regina stood transfixed, her stomach somersaulting as warmth spread down from Katherine’s finger tips.
‘Would it be wrong if I wanted to kiss you?’ Katherine asked pulling Regina closer, her arms wrapping tightly around her waist beneath the water. ‘I’ve thought about this for such a long time,’ Katherine said again, almost hesitantly. Regina stared at her for a moment, her mouth curving upwards into a smile and her eyes alight with emotion, she shook her head.
Katherine dipped her head slowly, pressing her lips against Regina’s as her eyes fluttered shut. Tiny shocks of electricity sparked from Katherine’s lips through Regina’s veins and Regina felt an unexpected warm feeling begin to pool between her thighs. Katherine’s fingers slid down Regina’s body, leaving tingling energy in their wake and as they found Regina’s shift below the water, Katherine began inching it upwards.”